I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
