I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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