i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
