I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
