Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
