Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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