seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
