how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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