I just threw up on my dentist
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
