Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
