The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
