I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
