my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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