stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I FOUND THE LEGS
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
