im about as happy as oj after his trial
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
