he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
