my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
