I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
