the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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