i just had sex bonerless
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
