from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
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