fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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