I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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