i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
