Fuck appropriateness.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize