I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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