I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You are the jesus of drinking
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
