i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
