Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
