Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
