so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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