There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
