clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize