WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
