Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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