Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
