I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
