When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
