He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
