He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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