my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
