Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
