i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
