I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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