i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
