Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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