I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
