you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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