My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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