i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize