He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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