Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
