I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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