saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
